


Five Fanfic Clichés That Never Happened To Tony Stark

by Kittenmommy



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: 5 Things, Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, F/F, F/M, Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Mild Language, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-30
Updated: 2012-08-30
Packaged: 2017-11-13 05:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/500008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittenmommy/pseuds/Kittenmommy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what it says on the tin.</p><p>Not part of my <i>Loki and Pepper Potts</i> series; this is just a cracktacular idea that popped into my head and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Fanfic Clichés That Never Happened To Tony Stark

**Author's Note:**

> _The Avengers_ belongs to Marvel.
> 
> I'm not making any money from this.
> 
> Additional notes at the end.

**1\. Everyone's Gay.**

Tony wakes up and rolls over.

“Good morning, Mister Stark,” JARVIS says.

Tony yawns, opens his eyes, and sees long black hair on the pillow next to his.

“Good morning, Mister Laufeyson,” JARVIS says.

Tony jumps out of the bed like he’s spring-loaded. “What the _hell_?” he demands.

Loki rolls over and stares up at him, grinning lasciviously. “I don’t recall you making any complaints last night, Stark.”

“But I’m _not gay_!” Tony protests. “I’m one of the most notorious womanizers in the Marvel Universe!”

Loki smirks. “That only means you’re compensating for something.”

“I am not compensating for _anything_!”

“And that’s why you’ve built this huge, thrusting tower in the sky, is it?”

“Shut up, Loki. Jesus.” 

He bends, picking his clothes up from the floor. 

“Look, Coulson – who totally isn’t dead, by the way – crushing on Rogers, I’d buy. He practically drools all over him whenever he sees him. But me? Gay? No way!”

“I think that Little Stark may have other ideas,” Loki says, pointing. 

Tony stares down at himself, mouth hanging open.

“Care to come back to bed and see how straight you really are, Stark?”

“ _Jesus!_ ” Tony pulls on his pants, not bothering with underwear. He tosses on a shirt and pads barefoot out to the living room.

Pepper and Natasha are on the sofa, making out.

He wishes he’d thought to grab his phone; he’d _love_ to have video of this for… later, when he’s alone.

They finally notice him there and look up.

“Hi, Tony,” Pepper says, snuggling closer to Natasha. “Is Loki still in bed?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“Bruce and Thor are still in bed, too,” Natasha tells him. “Late night last night.”

Pepper smirks. “Yeah… Thor was using that ‘hammer’ of his pretty good. Bruce is really… _loud_.”

“What the hell is going on around here?” Tony asks.

Pepper frowns at him. “Nothing… why?”

“Next you’ll be telling me that Fury and Coulson are getting it on.”

Natasha laughs. “Never! Coulson only has eyes for Rogers, and Fury would _never_ cheat on Barton.”

“This is unbelievable… I don’t understand what’s happening.”

He goes back into the bedroom. Loki has gone back to sleep, the covers pulled up nearly over his head.

Tony sits down on the bed and shakes him awake. 

“Loki!”

Loki stirs and mumbles something in a language Tony can’t understand.

“Loki, wake up!”

The covers come down and one emerald eye opens to regard him.

“Changed your mind, Stark?” Loki asks with a sleepy grin.

“What? _No!_ I just want to know what’s going on around here… did _you_ do this?”

“Me?” Loki snorts. He sits up, holding the covers against himself. “No, the _fangirls_ did this. For some reason, they think it’s hot when we…” he grins, not completing the sentence.

“Fangirls,” Tony repeats, putting his head in his hands. “I should’ve known!”

Tony wakes up and rolls over.

“Good morning, Mister Stark,” JARVIS says.

Tony yawns.

It was only a dream! But wow, what a _weird_ dream. He’s sure it says something about his subconscious mind that a shrink would find terribly interesting.

Tony opens his eyes… and sees long black hair on the pillow next to his.

He screams and moves away so quickly that he falls out of the bed and onto the floor.

The person in the bed sits up and looks over the edge of the bed at him.

“Tony?” Pepper asks. “What are you doing on the floor?”

Tony opens his eyes. “ _Pepper_! What happened… _your hair_!”

She sighs. “Wow, you were _really_ drunk last night, weren’t you? You seriously forgot I colored my hair?”

“Yeah, I seriously forgot.”

“Well, do you like it? I think it’s a really different look for me.”

“No, I don’t like it,” Tony says.

She frowns, disappointed. “Oh.”

“But I _love_ you,” he adds, and climbs back into bed.

“Really?”

“Yep,” he says with a grin. And then he pulls her close and shows her just _how_ much.

* * *

**2\. Loki Gets Pregnant.**

“I’m pregnant,” Loki announces.

Tony’s fork falls out of his hand and clatters on his plate. “What? _How_?”

“The usual way, I’d imagine.”

“But… but…” Tony says intelligently.

Loki shrugs, as if this is no big deal. “I’ve been pregnant before, you know.”

That’s true; it’s in the myths and everything.

Tony reaches across the table and snatches Loki’s wineglass away. “No more of _that_ ; not in your condition.”

Emerald eyes roll skyward in exasperation, but Loki doesn’t protest.

Tony picks up his own drink and chugs the whole thing. “What are we gonna do?” he finally asks. “And _Christ_ , what’ll I tell the others?”

Loki shrugs again. “I really don’t care _what_ you tell them.”

“Thor’s gonna _kill_ me,” Tony says, putting his face in his hands. “Jesus, what a mess.”

“ _You_ are the one who didn’t want to use that thing… what is it called? Oh, yes. Condom,” Loki reminds him.

“That was just that _one_ time!”

“One time is all it takes.”

Tony grabs the crystal decanter and pours himself another scotch. He sips it for a moment, and then: “So, does this mean your boobs’ll get bigger?”

Loki smiles. “Yes.”

“Jesus, and they’re huge already!”

Loki licks her lips and smiles. “And once the hormones _really_ kick in, there’s the boost in sex drive… I think you’re going to enjoy this, aren’t you?” she asks in her husky feminine voice.

Tony grins. “You might just end up being the first woman to make an honest man out of Tony Stark.”

“Ironic for the Goddess of Lies, mmmm?”

They laugh together and finish their dinner.

* * *

**3\. Loki Turns Everyone But Tony Into Children.**

“Jesus, I need a drink!” Tony exclaims.

“Language, Tony,” Pepper murmurs.

They walk into the living room, where little Steve and little Thor are wrestling on the floor. They’ve already knocked over the coffee table and a potted plant.

Little Clint is trying to climb the curtains, and little Natasha is calmly throwing knives at him, missing by inches each time.

“Stop that!” Pepper yells as another kitchen knife flies from Natasha’s hand and lands, quivering, in the wall right next to Clint.

There’s an explosion in the kitchen, and Tony and Pepper go running.

“Bruce! What did you do?” Pepper yells, coughing and waving her hand to dissipate the black smoke.

“Oven cleaner is explosive if you light it,” little Bruce tells her smugly.

“Tony, what are we going to _do_ with these children?” Pepper asks, thoroughly fed up.

“I’m gonna suit up and find Loki, and make him _fix_ this mess,” he says, striding out of the kitchen.

Pepper follows him at a run. “Oh no, you’re not leaving me here with them by myself!”

“Don’t worry, it’s covered. I hired a nanny.”

She frowns. “I don’t think a nanny will be enough.”

“She comes _highly_ recommended.”

“Tony – ”

“Suiting up now, gotta go!” he calls as he disappears into the elevator to his workshop.

Pepper sighs.

The doorbell rings, and Pepper goes to answer it.

When she opens the door, there’s a woman standing there.

She’s wearing a long black dress and a black hat with messy grey hair straggling out from underneath it.

She’s got a bulbous nose, a wart on her chin, and a snaggletooth.

“Can I help you?” Pepper asks, and then frowns. “Wait, are you the new nanny?”

“Yes.” The woman smiles. “What you need is Nanny McPhee.”

* * *

**4\. Loki Is Punished By Having His Powers Taken Away And Being Made Mortal.**

“So, I’m mortal,” Loki says.

“And?” Tony asks.

“I want to join the Avengers and make amends for my evil deeds.”

“OK, sure, that’s cool,” Tony agrees. “C’mon, I’ll take you to our top secret base and show you all our cool secret stuff!”

They get into the back of a limo, and Happy starts the engine.

“So, anything else new?” Tony asks.

“No, not really. Just the whole ‘turned to a mortal and stripped of my powers’ thing.”

“Ah. Yeah, I bet that sucked.”

“It did. Even worse, it came with the ‘Son, You Have Disappointed Me And Dishonored Your Family And Your King’ speech from Odin, too.”

“Ouch.”

Loki shakes his head. “Could’ve been worse, I suppose.”

“Yeah, he could’ve tied you to a rock with your son’s guts and let a snake drip poison in your eyes.”

“True.”

“Or had Thor hold you down and sew your mouth shut.”

“Yes.”

“Or had you chained to a rock so a bird could peck out your liver.”

“Uh huh.”

“Your family is _seriously_ screwed up… you know that, right?”

Loki shrugs.

“We’re here,” Happy says. He gets out of the car and opens the door for Tony and Loki.

“What is this place?” Loki asks, frowning. They appear to be in some sort of underground garage.

“Hello, Ant!” a new voice says. 

Nick Fury comes striding out of the darkness, flanked by Agents Hill and Coulson (who _isn’t_ dead!). 

“It’s me, your old pal Boot,” Fury says. “Good to see you again!”

Loki looks questioningly at Tony.

“Yeah, you joining the Avengers? Not gonna happen.”

Several SHIELD agents swarm forward, grabbing Loki’s arms and cuffing his hands behind him.

“But I’m mortal now!” Loki protests. “I have to atone for my wrongdoings!”

“And you will,” Fury tells him. “In a jail cell, where you’ll spend the rest of your mortal existence.”

As they lead him away, Tony calls, “Hey, Loki!”

He turns. “What.”

Tony grins. “Careful not to drop the soap in the shower,” he advises. He climbs back into his limo.

“Home, James!”

“My name isn’t ‘James’, Mister Stark,” Happy says.

“I know. I just like saying that!”

* * *

**5\. Everyone’s In High School.**

“Shit,” Tony mumbles. “I hated high school _the first time_ around!”

He collects his books and slams his locker shut.

As he makes his way to his homeroom, he sees Steve Rogers, captain of the football team and most popular guy in school, standing with Thor Odinson, who’s the quarterback and second most popular guy in school.

“Hey, Tony,” a new voice says, and chemistry nerd Bruce Banner is behind him, clapping him on the shoulder. “Coming to Chem Club after school today?”

Tony sighs. “If I don’t have anything better to do.”

“Did you ask her yet?”

“No,” Tony says, and just then he sees the subject of their conversation standing at her locker with that sexy Russian exchange student, Natalia Romanova.

Pepper Potts closes her locker, turns, sees Tony and Bruce, and waves.

“Hi Tony,” she calls.

He and Bruce approach the girls. “Hey, Pep,” Tony says. “I was wondering…”

“Yes?”

“Oh, spit it out, Stark,” a bored voice says. It’s that creepy goth kid, Loki Laufeyson. He’s got that long black hair, a pierced eyebrow, a tattoo on the side of his neck, and he dresses like a Hot Topic exploded all over him.

“Butt out, Laufeyson,” Tony says. “Go smoke some incense and cry about how your daddy doesn’t understand you.”

Loki’s lips press together in a thin line and he slams his locker shut. With a final dark glare at Tony, he stalks off.

“That wasn’t very nice, Tony,” Pepper says with a frown.

Tony shrugs. “He’s a creepy little shit.”

“Tony!” Pepper glances around. “If Mister Fury hears you – ”

“Yeah, another detention. Big deal. I’ll add it to my ever-growing collection.”

The homeroom bell rings.

“Come on, Natalia,” Pepper says, because the author suddenly remembered that Natalia is supposed to be in this scene too. “Let’s go.”

“See you later, Tony,” Bruce says, going off to his homeroom. 

“Catch you at lunch!” Tony calls after him.

“Stark,” a quiet voice says. He turns. Dammit, it’s Loki again.

“What do you want, Laufeyson?”

Loki’s lips quirk up in a smile. “You,” he says, and before Tony even knows what’s happening, Loki grabs him and pulls him close… and now he’s kissing Tony right in the middle of the hallway and everyone’s watching and this is even _worse_ than that time he showed up naked for a final exam that he somehow had forgotten to study for.

“Sir?” a voice is saying. “Sir? It is time to wake up.”

Tony opens his eyes. He’s in his bedroom in his own bed, and Pepper is sleeping soundly beside him.

“Jesus, what a crazy dream.” He frowns. 

First the one about everyone being gay, and now _this_. 

“JARVIS… maybe you should start looking into the names of a few good shrinks. You know… just in case.”

“Already done, sir.”

“Yeah, and don’t sound so smug!”

FINIS.

**Author's Note:**

>  _Nanny McPhee_ belongs to Universal Studios.


End file.
